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Thanksgiving, Roach Motels, and B&B’s

I have several posts I have written and not published because they were not quite done.  I am taking the time I have while cooped up in my posh hotel suite complete with lumpy pillows, enough secondhand smoke from the room next door to need a chest x-ray upon leaving, men that crank their diesels at 5am sharply and a shower head that would take thirty minutes to fully wet yourself with- that is if you were 3ft tall or could maintain a deep knee bend for that long.  This is where my husbands work has them staying so this is where I’m spending thanksgiving- don’t I just ooze gratitude.  I drove 5 hrs in the freezing rain in a car that was overheating, with a split tire tread I didn’t  know about  to get here so my offspring and I could visit their Daddy whose been working out of town for 5 months-did I mention we’re all sick!  I had a good attitude for about 4.5 months about things in general- ok I’m a realist so “good” might be a slight overstatement but I was taking one for the team- unfortunately I completely ran out of  team spirit right before thanksgiving which makes me look extra self absorbed because I have the audacity to be ungrateful during the peak of gratitude season I understand it could be worse, I could be living under a bridge but then again what if it was the Destin Bridge, that would not be worse that would be immensely better-ugh I could keep writing but I don’t think my attitude will improve so without further delay-I am “thankful” to be publishing a blog post and you can be “thankful” I stopped whining like a spoiled brat and read my unbelievable but true post- I am grateful your reading it, if you leave me a comment about how I should look for the good in the situation I’m going to knock myself out with one of these hideous lamps!  I would probably feel better if I took a shower… trim.qjcLiM

Or a soak in the tub…


Nah, I think I will just kickback, relax and drift off to the sounds of rap blasting through blown sub-whoffers and 18 wheelers downshifting, I’m not completely ungrateful-I’m thankful for dead bolts and door chains…


So… If you have ever read my about me you will get the drift that I well- tend to drift-at least job wise-oh let’s face it my mind drifts, I’ve got body parts drifting, I am as the ole country saying goes “like a duck that wakes up in a new pond every morning”. It was nothing for my poor man in our first ten years of marriage to awake to me shaking him, exuberantly declaring in an entrepreneurial, adrenaline fueled state of euphoria “I’m going to be a photographer” or “I’m going to become a florist” or “I’m going to be a Coast Guard rescue swimmer” (true story) Anywhoo, where was I going with this??? Oh yes, I was going to share with you one of my more “colorful” job experiences. Although they are many, this one definitely takes the cake.

This job came at a desperate time in my life. I was single, young and fresh out of school.  I needed a job and a place to stay quickly-as in if I didn’t find one I would be doomed to return to the nest and since the last time I had been there I barely kept all my feathers that was not an option. So I did what any girl did before internet, I looked in the paper. Lo and behold, the ad read “Needed, Innkeeper for bed and breakfast room and board included” So I got in my Ford Bronco II and cruised on over to the B&B-which shall remain nameless because I still live near it and I’m not sure the old bat I worked for is dead and she had a real habit of successfully suing people and chopping off body parts-ugh yeah more on that later. I drove up to a beautiful house with towering oaks, tall windows, a sweeping front porch and wide, welcoming stairs. I knocked, once, twice, three times…I really needed this job, I checked the door it was unlocked, I slowly opened it and shouted hello…hello-no answer…did I mention I needed this job? I walked in and shouted hello one more time, then I heard the quick steps headed my direction.

To say I wish I had a picture to insert right here is an understatement because I am not sure Nicholas Sparks himself could paint the picture vividly enough with words, but let me try to describe to you the sight that greeted me. She burst out from the dining room into the foyer in a manner liken to when someone trips over a threshold, she came to a stop with a wave of her hand and a in a voice that was some combination of chain smoker, and old Hollywood starlet she said “hello darling”. Her silk cheetah moo-moo glistened as the sun from the windows hit it, her sandals sparkled like the Vegas strip, she was smoking a cigarette with a long filter on it like an evil cartoon siren, her hair was teased in three distinct balls one on top, one on each side it was if Bozo himself was her hairdresser, her fire engine red lip liner extended the fullness of her natural lips but at least a quarter mile which was not helping the Bozo the clown association in my mind, her skin was creased from years of hard living, and hard liquor and it hung on her small frame. Her attempts to “paint the ole barn” well they were much too little much too late.

I thought about leaving, heck I thought about screaming, but the gypsy part of me thought oh my gosh welcome to the freak show I just have to see what’s behind door number three!!! I stated that I was there to apply for the position she invited me to the kitchen. We sat down and chatted a while, I could tell she wanted me to work there, there was just one little problem, she had already hired someone else and they were going to move there in three days. I was just about to thank her for her time when she said, I’m going to tell the other girl she’s fired when can you start? She then said get in the car I need to run an errand we can work out the details on the way and so we did. On the way to the car I complimented her on her shoes, that’s when she proudly proclaimed “look, look at my foot look how wonderful it is”-ummm, ugh, ok so I looked closer, I didn’t really know what to say…thankfully she piped in with this phrase which haunts me to this day “I didn’t like my pinky toe so I had the Dr. cut it off, didn’t he do a great job”! I can’t even write it without laughing and it is the gospel truth! I declared the Dr. a miracle worker- after all it was by far the finest foot with four toes I had ever had the horror of beholding!

Thus I began my career at the B&B. It had best I can remember five guest rooms in the main house, a pool and a guesthouse. My room which was a remodeled attic which had no door was directly up a flight of stairs off the kitchen. Of all the wild things that went on at that place when I look back the thing that still scares me the most was sleeping in that room with no door in a house full of strangers and people with whacked off body parts. I went eight weeks straight without a day off. Why you ask? Because although I may easily become bored I am a very hard worker whilst the job has my attention-well that and turns out ole four toe was a stone cold alcoholic and used that to wash down her lithium and I found her optimal waking hour was around 1:30 p.m. I personally am a late sleeper myself and a devoutly nocturnal creature but there was this little problem-yeah where we lived it was called a Bed and BREAKFAST and while ole four toe had the bed down to a science the breakfast -well not so much. I found it just a wee bit too awkward to have to live in a house with guests who had paid for breakfast to not get breakfast- thus I got up every morning made breakfast, then spent the rest of the day running the entire B&B from cleaning all the rooms, laundry, pool chemicals, shopping and booking rooms. This worked out splendid for ole four toe, I am sure in her lucid moments she thought she had never made a better hire, I on the other hand began to ask myself the simple question what fresh hell was this.

Now it was not all bad, some days we had no guest and ole four toe would go to one of the casino buffets and offer to bring me back some food. Later when she returned I would have the best food money didn’t buy-as in it was stolen off the buffet and stuffed into Ziploc baggies in her purse. I was not the only permanent boarder there, there was a professional gambler whom I actually liked very much an older man with a gentle way about him, a professional hockey player from Canada, born with a silver spoon in his mouth somehow hiding there in an attempt to give as little as possible of that silver to his wife whom he was divorcing. There was also the occasional visit from ole four toes daughter, hopefully as I write this she is still in prison for having come to the B&B long after I was gone and try to smother her mother to death with a pillow-yep, I slept there without a door.

I can’t actually remember how long I worked there it was not more than a few months but I do vividly remember why I stopped working there, or rather should I say the reason out of four hundred reasons I decided to longer work there. A poor, unsuspecting bride came out and in a twist of fate much like purchasing a ticket for the Titanic decided it was the perfect place for her reception and booked the whole place. We all worked very hard and by we I mean me and the gambler. I prepared most of the food for the 100 plus guests and made sure the grounds were immaculate. Ole four toe really got into the spirit and decided to paint all the wedding chairs with a fresh coat of paint which ended up looking awesome on all the guests clothes, and bringing out a wishing jar into which you placed a rock and a wish for the bride and groom (they would later use this to try and stone her). The day finally arrived and me and the gambler were pretty proud of ourselves. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, the bride and groom, their 10 yr old daughter and her friend. Everything was chugging along just fine with the exception of four toe, her daughter and son in law who were doing some chugging of their own. Everything was going splendidly right up until the son in law cussed out the bride, groom and their ten year old daughter.  Meanwhile I was inside slaving away, the gambler had long drifted off to sleep a luxury I didn’t have with a room without a door, and Ole four toe was inside taking a break and by break I mean taking no telling what. I was cleaning up the kitchen when the bride and groom burst in, four toe’s drunk son and daughter in law trailing behind and what happened next… well I would give my pinky toe to have a video of it because I would have a viral sensation on my hands. The bride and groom begin to tell ole four toe what happened, the daughter and son in law attempt to defend themselves, guest began to circle us in the massive kitchen. My heart is pounding, I am praying for the rapture to occur, I’m hoping to wake up from this dream in my doorless room, I’m gulping like Shaggy off of Scooby Do. Then in what can only be described as some cat like reflex, all nine of those toes left the floor, ole four toes flight seemed to last for an eternity, her cheetah moo-moo flowed behind her like some warped super hero cape, when she finally landed she commenced to giving her daughter and son in law a beating they would not soon forget while screaming how could you treat my guests like this. Meanwhile back at the sink, eyes wide in disbelief I did what anyone one would do who had witnessed all I had up until that point. I began to laugh, I don’t mean a small nervous laugh I mean a OMG this is not my life, OMG an old lady with nine toes is beating the mess out of two grown people, OMG this poor peoples wedding is ruined and we worked like dogs on it. I doubled over, I lost my breath, I ran out of the kitchen into the hallway where I spied a fresh pile of laundry on top of the dryer, I buried my face in it and I laughed until I cried. I was probably having some sort of nervous breakdown. I decided to wake up the gambler who exclaimed “well everything was fine when I went to sleep” I explained a lot had happened since then. As I exited the kitchen I spyed of all people the groom dragging four toes off her daughter. The next hour is a blur. I remember standing at the door as all the guest left saying “goodnight, I’m really sorry about this and I am NOT RELATED TO ANYONE HERE!

I later went on to work at a wonderful, well run bed and breakfast in a different city, so that redeemed my ability to ever consider staying at a bed and breakfast. I thank God for sites like Trip Advisor, where you can get the real deal scoop on places- and trust me you want the scoop!  In the case of my current hotel- it is what it is- its free unless you count the cost of the x- rays and antibiotics were going to need from the Marlboro factory.  Have you worked at a place that made you reconsider whether aliens really were real, or did in fact your boss escape from a government mind control experiment, or are you in a fever induced dream and bound to wake up any minute etc??? I would love to hear about it- it would make me feel better about not having the sense to split right when the four toes got flashed :-)

Thanks for Dreaming and Scheming with me ( and listening to me whine)


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Hi y’all! I’m Brandie; thanks for stopping by and Dreaming and Scheming with me. I wish that we were meeting in person over a glass of sweet tea, but this will do for now... More>

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